NEW EMPLOYMENT HANDBOOK IN THE ERA OF DOWNSIZING
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be, and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan.1, July 4, and Dec. 25.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is absolutely necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board in the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and/or take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. In line with this emphasis on the positive, all concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, and accusations should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.